WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE….

Article in the Australian Jewish News 23rd November 2011 by Debbie Weiner

When push comes to shove. We say it all the time. We don’t think about the meaning of it. But we should. For, when push comes to shove:-

“In this country, nearly one in three women has experienced physical violence and almost one in five women has been the victim of sexual assault,” Ms Kate Ellis, Federal Minister for the Status of Women said.

Oh, but you are saying, that must not be the case in a Jewish home. Wrong.
In a Jewish home, recent United Kingdom statistics tell us, one in four women are victims of family violence, and “despite a third ( of people surveyed) admitting that they thought abuse in the Jewish community would not be the same as the rest of society, the number of Jewish women abused is two percent higher than the national average”(from the Jewish Chronicle 10/3/11)

So what is domestic , or family, violence?
It includes physical, psychological, financial or emotional abuse and can include dictating religious observance, withholding money, threatening to hurt or kill, stalking, threatening messages, or belittling someone so they feel worthless. It also includes hurting pets. One reason women may stay in violent and abusive relationships is because they fear what will happen to the pet if they leave.

It removes their power. It removes their feeling of self-worth. It removes their human dignity. It removes their human rights. It removes their self until all that remains is a shell, with no one inside.

On 25 November we mark International White Ribbon Day, when men say “NO!” to violence against women.

People routinely downplay both the existence of family violence and the effects it has on women and children. It is now known and understood that family violence, even when not directly experienced by children, the trauma of witnessing the abuse slows their progress and adversely affects their brain development. Children may give the appearance of being fine and coping with dysfunctional family life, but professionals who work with abused children, such as the people from the Gatehouse Centre at the Royal Children’s Hospital are only too aware of how it affects them. Children have produced drawings and boxes which show that while their outside appears fine, their inner world is in turmoil.

Of course, this doesn’t happen in the Jewish world. Or does it?

A young man, a graduate of a Jewish day school, wrote, years later, of the abuse that he had witnessed whilst living with his parents. He wrote of his mother “copping it” if the toothpaste lid wasn’t securely screwed back on, if a towel wasn’t hung exactly on the rail, if a plate wasn’t dried 100 percent. He told of witnessing a copping when his mother tried to protect the family dog. He wrote of the fear he felt every Friday night after he and his father returned from shul, for if things weren’t exactly as his father wanted it, his mother would cop it. He wrote of his terror that he would turn out the same as his father. He wrote of how his mother, at the age of 50, due to the repeated bashings, required hearing aids and glasses normally used by the elderly.
Let’s think about this woman-she was not allowed to go to the shops without her husband, he chose her hair colour, he chose all her clothes. She had no credit cards and he did all the shopping.
Or this one-when she was pregnant he told her he hoped she would die in childbirth so the child would be his alone.

From the same United Kingdom survey comes a view of the Rabbinic response :-
One 41-year-old victim said: "The rabbi, well, that was the biggest mistake I made. He sent me away from his house, [even though I had a] black eye, after looking at me, getting nervous, and just gave me a box of biscuits.
"My husband is prominent in the community, you see. I was creating a problem by turning to him."
Chief Rabbi Lord Sacks said: “As a community we may not turn a blind eye or deaf ear to the problem of domestic violence. We must oppose those who practise it and offer practical help to those who suffer from it. That is why I – and our rabbinate – support the work of Jewish Women’s Aid”.(Jewish Chronicle 10 March 2011)

Due to concerns that Rabbis here in Melbourne did not understand the issues either, the Jewish Taskforce Against Family Violence  has worked in partnership with the Rabbinical Council of Victoria to support victims of violence by running training programmes for two groups of  Rabbis in relation to how to deal with  disclosures of family violence and child sexual assault. Recently these two organisations launched the groundbreaking book “ Will My Rabbi Believe Me? Will He Understand? Responding to disclosure of family violence in a Rabbinic context”.

This user friendly book outlines the issues of Family Violence and how vital a Rabbi's response to a disclosure can be to enable a victim towards positive change.

Say no to violence today.

And the next time you say it, think about what it really means, for when push comes to shove…..